Wishing everyone a happy new year!
Yes, another year over. I'm still amazed that we're already this far into the 21st century. Time goes forth mercilessly and it leaves its marks on all of us.
Our holidays were good, at the very least the best we could have had, taking everything into consideration. I am still struggling with my inner need for consistency: My memories of past holidays involve the time we spent having deep and positive conversations with our family, eventually only with my mother.
These conversations are no longer possible, at least not as deep and meaningful as they used to be. This is an unbearable pain for me, and sadly, I display it too often, too evidently, causing harm to my mother in turn.
There are traditions that are no longer possible to follow. She doesn't remember them anyway. I am confined to my memories and my inner loneliness.
This morning I tried to at least keep the tradition of early 1 January walk outside. It took a lot of persuasion to have her go with me, "the knee hurts, its cold outside" - all the excuses were thrown into the basket.
I succeeded in getting her to come with me, and even if it didn't exceed 300 meters, it was still good enough and a little victory.
